常有人說愛情是人生中必修的課題;愛情可能有一百種不同樣貌,但在其中負傷退場的也不在少數。然而每一次的受傷都是為了讓我們在經驗中學習、讓我們能成為更好的人。因此,在這堂不斷學習的人生課程裡,我們也需要一些建議!今天就來聽聽一個著重自我發展與兩性關係的美國作家Mark Manson要告訴我們關於愛情的三件事:

 


 

1. Love does not equal compatibility. 愛不等於適合


Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.
It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who doesn’t treat us well, who makes us feel worse about ourselves, who doesn’t hold the same respect for us as we do for them, or who has such a dysfunctional life themselves that they threaten to bring us down with them.
When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and your farts smell like cherry popsicles. But you also need to evaluate a person’s values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions and their worldviews in general.

 

當你愛上一個人,不代表他會是個長久的好伴侶,愛是感性層面;合適則是理性層面,兩者未必能混為一談。
我們有可能愛上對我們很差的人、讓我們覺得自己很糟的人、不會尊重我們如同我們尊重他的人;或者是無法過好生活,逼迫我們也要和他們一起低落的人。
當我們在尋找男女朋友時,重要的是不要只用”心”去找,也要用腦。當然你希望找一個能讓你心動的對象,但也要記得去評估一個人的價值觀、他們平時如何對待自己及身邊的人、他們的抱負和視野。

 

 

所謂love is blind就是在說此現象。愛情使我們盲目,當正值熱戀期,每件事看起來都非常美好;然而熱戀期過後,我們真正看到對方的缺點和無法容忍的部份時,爭吵便開始了。那時的我們總不解究竟出了甚麼錯?兩個人之間怎麼會有這麼多問題?
Mark manson這樣回答: It went wrong before it even began.
他一直都是如此的,只是你選擇忽略罷了。

 

 

2. Love does not solve your relationship problems. 愛無法解決問題


這一段作者舉了自己戀愛的例子:在一段感情中曾不斷為同一件事爭執,卻因為彼此的愛而堅持繼續在一起;最後在分分合合不斷的惡性循環中,浪費了更多時光,還是落入了分手的結局。
這段戀愛經驗或許會讓大家感到熟悉,我們總相信有愛就夠了;但事實是問題本身仍然存在,兩個人的差異也不會因此而消失。
所以,這些慘痛的經驗告訴我們:
While love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.
愛只能讓你在面對問題時感到好過一點,但它其實無法解決任何問題。

 

  

3. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself.

愛不總是值得你去犧牲自己

 

One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.
But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?


愛的其中一個特質是有能力去想到自己以外和自己的需求,去想到對方的需要。
但有一個問題卻不常被提起:”你犧牲的東西是甚麼?”以及”真的值得嗎?”


In loving relationships, it’s normal for both people to occasionally sacrifice their own desires, their own needs, and their own time for one another. I would argue that this is normal and healthy and a big part of what makes a relationship so great.
But when it comes to sacrificing one’s self-respect, one’s dignity, one’s physical body, one’s ambitions and life purpose, just to be with someone, then that same love becomes problematic.


在關係中,兩個人偶爾犧牲自己的需要、時間和欲望是正常的,也有助於關係發展;但當我們犧牲自尊、身體、抱負和人生目標,只為了和對方在一起時,這樣的愛成為了問題。

 


常有人說:You and your partner should be best friends.


我們應該對待情人像對待最好的朋友一般、我們花在情人身上的時間應該如同我們花在最好的朋友身上一般……

有趣的是,當問到容忍情人的底線會像容忍最好的朋友一樣嗎?大部分人卻回答:不會。

 

Why do we tolerate behavior in our romantic relationships that we would never ever, ever tolerate in our friendships?
為甚麼當你連最好的朋友也無法容忍時,你卻還會忍受你的情人?

 

 

You can fall in love with a wide variety of people throughout the course of your life. You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you. You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy ways. You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old. Love is not unique. Love is not special. Love is not scarce.
But your self-respect is. So is your dignity. So is your ability to trust. There can potentially be many loves throughout your life, but once you lose your self-respect, your dignity or your ability to trust, they are very hard to get back.
We cannot let it consume us. We cannot sacrifice our identities and self-worth to it. Because the moment we do that, we lose love and we lose ourselves.

 

在人生的課堂中我們可以和各式各樣的人戀愛,我們可以愛上對我們好的或對我們壞的;我們可以用健康的方式或不健康的方式去愛;我們可以在年輕或年老時戀愛,愛不是唯一。愛不特別。愛不是犧牲。
但你的自尊是。你信任人的能力和尊嚴也是。生命中可能會有很多段愛情,但一旦你失去你的自尊、信任的能力和尊嚴,就再也回不來了。
所以那些是我們不能犧牲的,因為我們一旦犧牲了那些東西,我們不但失去了愛,同時也失去了自己。

 


Remember this: The only way you can fully enjoy the love
in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love. Because you need more in life than love. Love is great. Love is necessary. Love is beautiful. But love is not enough.

Mark說,記得,唯一能讓你享受愛情的方法就是,選擇讓別的事情在你的生命中比愛重要。因為你的人生需要除了愛以外的更多事物。愛很美好、愛很必須、愛很美麗。但只有愛,不夠。

 

延伸閱讀我愛你,除了"I love you."還能怎麼說?

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完整文章:http://markmanson.net/love

 

 

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